3 Ways to Avoid The Ambush of Resentment
It had been quite a while since I had spoken to a friend. It was a two way street; I had not communicated due to the blur of grad school franticness and he too had not communicated due to work stressors and pressures of his own.
And yet, something was off. I didn’t say anything differently, they didn’t say anything differently, all things considered, we were back to business as usual enjoying each other’s company and indulging in our preferred hobby.
All was well.
Or was it?
See I got ransacked. Attacked from behind. And it took all my lunch money. Resentment got me good.
In media resentment, and other forms of sideways anger, are presented in too obvious a form. Jessica is resentful of Brittney for scoring the quarterback prom king. Bill is resentful of Tom for getting that promotion that the whole story had been building for him getting.
In these scenarios, it’s very easy to see how the resentment arrives. It’s logical, even healthy, for them to feel some level of animosity toward the other person. But what often follows afterward is some sort of destructive encounter; a lengthy text or screaming match between Jessica and Brittney or for Bill to get very drunk and berate Tom over a phone call.
Yet resentment rarely pans out like that in real life. Usually, resentment comes subtly, doesn’t announce itself, and is quite frankly great at hiding its presence. Which is how when it ambushes, it can really throw you for a loop. Here are some ways to catch your resentment before it catches you.
For starters, normalize even minor instances of irritation and annoyance. While it is important to not sweat the little stuff, it’s equally important to recognize the little stuff so it doesn’t become bigger stuff. While it truly is not the end of the world that your spouse left a t-shirt on the floor, recognizing that it bothers you and “swallowing it” isn’t being a patient spouse, it’s delaying an inevitable conflict that gets worse if not dealt with healthily.
Second, journal. Journal, journal, journal. Truly, truly, journaling is a form of self therapy. For some, however, writing is a barrier, whether due to perfectionism, shame, or other things that get in the way of the powerful effects of self-reflection. If this is true for you, consider phone apps that enable you to record your voice. You’d be amazed at how (if you get over a potential disliking of the sound of your voice) therapeutic it is to hear yourself speak audibly what you’re holding onto internally in your body. Whatever method suits your fancy, journal! It’s like preparing a moat so that the attack force of ambush can’t get behind enemy lines.
Third, heed the wisdom and advice of your resentment. We often regard anger as all bad and sometimes, inversely, as all good. It’s either never appropriate to show anger or it’s best to be real and speak from the hip. As with most things in life, it’s better to land in the middle. If you tend to swallow anger and/or pretend it doesn’t exist, through recognizing it and journaling about it, ask yourself, is it ok that I’m angry at so and so for being too pushy? This also might require professional input or at the very least input from a trusted friend. If, however, you found yourself on the other end of letting it rip and being real, consider whether your anger and resentment is valid or (likely) acting as a shield to a sensation of being hurt or in pain. Resentment, similar to anger, really is about being hurt and being upset at the one who caused you hurt. If the person who caused you hurt is safe which, again, might need for you to refer to professional input or a trusted friend, communicate to them vulnerably that the way they’ve acted has caused you discomfort.
All in all, when you work on “catching” resentment, you begin to find that resentment is useful information your body is carrying about what you’re experiencing and how you need to proceed. It’s a friend, not a foe, but only if you catch it before it goes rogue on you.