They Not Like Us: Avoiding Exploiters and Preferring Explorers
This is kind of a cheesy, mildly appropriating way to have you click here, but hey, Kendrick is too good not to draw upon. As you assuredly already know, the Grammy winning “They Not Like Us” is a diss track exclamation point of a full paragraph’s worth of character revealing Kendrick did directed at the… let’s just face it, sleazy Drake.
He put very eloquently in words what we as music lovers have known for quite some time; Drake was known more as an exploiter of what gets clicks, revenue, and attention over and ahead of what is true, beautiful, and emulable.
This reality we see not just with high profile hip hop artists but in our day to day goings and happenstances. Those who don’t desire anything for us but rather from us. I’m sure it won’t take you long to conjure the type of folks I’m talking about; the exploiters.
Here’s a list of ways to spot them, along with ways to identify their alternative, explorers.
#1: They take more than give
All relationships are not 50/50; sorry for that misconception. Rather in seasons of time, whether it be friendships, romantic relationships, familial relationships, etc. the percentages vary and sometimes rightfully so like in the case of parent/child.
However, exploiters, whether they be friend, partner, or family member, never seem to tip the side of the giving scale past their 50%. While as stated before sometimes others close to us need more from us than we need from them, with exploiters, the scales are always imbalanced.
Another key way to see this imbalance is if when it’s addressed, the exploiter makes you doubt your efforts/distort your felt sense of relational inequity.
#2: They brag more than give credit
All of us want recognition for the contributions we give to the world: the workplace, the family, the community, etc. There’s nothing faulty about wanting those you admire to admire you right back.
However, contrary to the rags-to-riches solo rise to acclaim/notoriety mythos clung to in America, there’s no self-made man.
Nada. Zero. Zilch.
But the exploiters don’t believe that and don’t want you to either. They really do think every man is an island and all of the success they’ve gleaned they’ve gleaned primarily themselves.
This is pride, an ego defense. This promotes a top-down connection rather than a shoulder to shoulder kinship.
#3: They make their own success more than open doors for others
Again, this is as American as apple pie. Climbing the ladder, eh? My question to that idea has always been… what happens to those you ascend? Where do they go?
This isn’t conflating success with immorality. Many of those who have found success did so virtuously and honestly. Yet just as many found success often through tearing down or omitting the contributions or character of others around them. Exploitation works when those who are exploited seek for the good of the whole while the exploiter seeks for the good of the self; said another way, the naive good person duped by the conniving bad person.
So be as sly as a serpent and observe then avoid those who find themselves successful yet in their wake are found ashes of others who were exploited by them.
Who are Explorers?
Who then are explorers? In some ways, they are similar to exploiters. Yet in the most important ways, they are different.
#1: They give more than take
Taking isn’t bad. All of us need things from others. As mentioned earlier, it’s the distribution of taking/giving that causes exploitation rather than exploring.
Explorers give at a rate which encourages more giving from you. Simply put; better to give than to receive, and explorers get this on a molecular level.
They see life as abundant, brimming with opportunities to dole out goodness to others trusting that the world/fate/God will give right back in spades. Exploiters see a scarcity and work toward not being one who is scarce for resources. Explorers make you feel more full, even in the moments in which they need to take.
#2: They give credit more than brag
Probably seeing a pattern here? Inverse of the list above. Explorers know the value of altruistically noting and uplifting the efforts of others. It’s a plain fact that when you want to lift others up, they in turn want to lift you up.
Exploiters need others to see their efforts and successes and to envy them; explorers know their effort and success isn’t tied up in the admiration of others but rather in humility and security recognize their effort and success is purest when the spotlight isn’t on them.
They see and embody the reality that life isn’t about them; it’s about its own self, and the beauty of which can be admired.
#3: They open doors for others more than make their own success
There is caution that blind and near mechanical altruism isn’t good for the soul; you can’t see the Beloved in others if you don’t see the Beloved in yourself.
However, if there is a side of the pendulum to err on, it is certainly on opening doors for others rather than focusing on one’s own success. Again, not that it’s immoral to strive for one’s own accomplishments, rather that if in that pursuit you find yourself tarnishing the accomplishments of others, your ship isn’t sailing in the right direction.
I’ll close with this; at the end of one’s life, whose funeral will be more noteworthy and emulable? The one who lived a life for the sake of others or the one who live for the sake of self? Who invested infinitely on the unsurpassable potential of others or invested infinitely on the very temporal self?
I’ll let you decide. Contrived as it may be, doesn’t make it any less true.